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Night depression
by drewbiee02 (drewbiee02)
at May 21st, 2015 (01:09 pm)

Does anyone ever get the feeling at night when you take your packer out and your binder off that your never going to be who you really want and it just makes you sad like that right now your trying to live a lie or something. Let me know if you get feelings like this. I hope I'm not the only one!


Posted by: zombie_transboy (zombie_transboy)
Posted at: May 21st, 2015 06:14 pm (UTC)

I used to all the time.. It still happens but I try to stay positive. I only bind tho, I don't pack.

Posted by: drewbiee02 (drewbiee02)
Posted at: May 25th, 2015 12:59 am (UTC)

How come you don't. If that's to personal I understand

Posted by: karsonw (karsonw)
Posted at: May 23rd, 2015 10:38 pm (UTC)

Definitely. Sometimes I wear my packer when I sleep since I can't wear my binder. I just put it in the pouch in my underwear anyways, so it's not uncomfortable to sleep with it in my shorts while I'm sleeping.

Posted by: drewbiee02 (drewbiee02)
Posted at: May 25th, 2015 12:58 am (UTC)

Thanks that helps knowing that it's not just me that feels this way.

Posted by: istopi (istopi)
Posted at: May 24th, 2015 07:17 pm (UTC)

Going the other direction, but still the same feeling: I hate taking makeup off at the end of the night. Also, when I tuck I love how shorts fit, but I'm torn because I don't want any surgery to change my genitals.
Luckily a very supportive partner has been helpful for me to feel better about myself.
Today is one of the days that I feel what you are saying though.

Posted by: drewbiee02 (drewbiee02)
Posted at: May 25th, 2015 12:59 am (UTC)

Wow thank you I really love the support and am glad to hear I'm not the only one and also it is not just an ftm thing.

Posted by: aumentou (aumentou)
Posted at: May 25th, 2015 12:22 am (UTC)

I used to sleep with various prosthesis on fairly frequently. I still sleep with skin covered, sometimes.

Edited at 2015-05-25 12:43 am (UTC)

Posted by: drewbiee02 (drewbiee02)
Posted at: May 25th, 2015 12:59 am (UTC)

Why do you mean skin covered?

Posted by: aaskew (aaskew)
Posted at: May 27th, 2015 07:58 am (UTC)

I don't bind or pack, but I get that feeling every now and then. On the rare occasions I packed, it was just like you said. Not packing sort of makes it better in that sense because I'm not reminded of it.

Posted by: marfan (marfan)
Posted at: July 10th, 2015 05:23 am (UTC)
"did you get mad @ dave when he refused to call you by your 'boy's name'?"

yes, but not just @ the end of the day. unless something extreme, unusual, and emotional distracts me, my default setting is that i feel like a fraud. "she's a girl pretending to be a boy," a little cisgender boy from martial arts class had the nerve to tell another little cisgender boy. even as a transsexual, i feel morally inferior to cisgender (and homophobic) "people". ("cissexism"). there are plenty of them and only one of me. granted, the world contains other transsexuals, and the past year, Yahoo News has featured @ least one daily article about a transsexual. (fine).

but sometimes i just get paranoid, b/c when i look in the mirror (which i sometimes try to avoid doing), i look a lot more feminine than i want. several years ago, took testosterone for several months. but took only a quarter dose (dr would not prescribe more). and then went from 125 to 138#. looked and felt bloated. went off testosterone. voice went a little lower, but body still looks the same.

i feel so ashamed.

moreover, i also get paranoid some homophobe will have the nerve to sexually assault my worthless corpse. those emotions make me feel morally inferior, existentially unjustified, ashamed, and overpowered.

not only that, but i avoid excessive social interactions. as someone with an autism diagnosis (one model of autism is the extremely male brain. how peculiar. tell that to a homophobe.). b/c while i do not live in a homophobic area, and have not for eight years now, it just takes one homophobe to rape my worthless corpse. then i feel compelled to obtain psychotherapy for a long time and a lot of $$.

but mostly, what i think and feel is that homophobic "people" are so arrogant that they truly believe that they are perfect. as a result they see anyone not similar to them as "wrong", bad, or "lying". (egocentrism). and there are (i think) a lot more homophobes than transsexuals. and they can get emotional support from eachother.

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